RA, your blog was super nice to read this morning, that you're motivated and excited to lose weight again! It sounds like you're doing so much better, I'll bet that's why it sounds appealing to you again. I think when you're in the survival mode (thinking like the first 4-5 weeks postpartum is how I can relate) you do WANT to lose weight, but that's about as far as it goes, lol. Everything is just kind of a blur and you know you must take care of your home & family first, and have no energy at ALL to do anything else.
Weigh in for this week:
Week 5: 127
Week 8: 133
Week 9: 130
Week 10: 133
Week 11: 133
Week 12: 136
Week 13: 138
Week 14: 138
I'm actually quite SHOCKED that I am still at 138 - and it was 138.0(you know that zero matters very much, lol!). I am noticing that when I follow a pattern somewhat like this:
Morning - eat raw
noon - eat alot of cooked, some of it crappy, all in one sitting
afternoon - eat nothing because I feel so sick
evening - nibble on some raw things, feel much better
It's a strange way to eat, I wish I could eliminate that whole noon crisis time, but for some reason I just feel just bleh UNTIL I eat cooked food, and then I feel great for about 2 hours, then totally crappy until dinner time. Then I skip dinner or eat something small that is raw. I suppose in this way that my calories are down somewhat, at least enough so that I'm maintaining...?
Who knows.
So today I have followed the pattern, apparently, so far anyway.
8:45 - 1/4 of a big watermelon
12:00 - 2 1/2 sandwiches of honey ham/lettuce/tomato/cheese, handful of potato chips, 2/3 cup of chocolate chips.
I tried on some clothes at Mother Goose on River Rd today - I was actually surprised at what I saw in the mirror. I don't know why, but for some reason in my head I think I have rolls on my back already because I just FEEL so much heavier, and I mean that in the literal sense, every step feels heavy (those back rolls, though, they are the dread of pregnancy for me. I have been through many pregnancies just hating the way my body looks, as I'm sure most can relate to!).
But I was able to try on a size Small Old Navy maternity dress and it looked great. Also another shirt, size Medium, maternity - that I ended up buying because it was cute, for $5. I felt good about that little shopping experience, and I sometimes wonder if I'm so paranoid of gaining excess fat that I start seeing things that aren't there. But I think part of it comes from having five pregnancies in a row where I was seriously LARGE - I mean, some of my postpartum shirts were size XXL. Five times in a row means it's pretty much the norm, you know? Then I escaped that particular "lot in life" and had 2 WONDERFUL pregnancies in a row, eating mostly raw food. You can see what I mean here - it's a pretty vivid picture of the difference:
So now that I am struggling HUGELY with eating raw, I am so afraid I'm going to fall back into that whale of a pregnancy look...I think part of it is I just don't feel in control. At all.
I'm also really struggling lately with thankfulness for this baby - sometimes I feel like screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!!!!!!!!" I don't remember feeling like this so intensely before, but maybe I have? I don't know...and it's not like I am going to reject this baby at all when it's born, I'll most likely be over the MOON excited once it gets closer, but I am just not feeling the love just yet.
And that tells me that I am looking at the earthly and not at the vision of what God has for me in my life. I know that His yolk is easy and His burdens light. I am thankful for this! But I DID go back in my blog to my last pregnancy with Harmony at this exact same time in the pregnancy - and found this that I wrote. I am definitely more in the second paragraph category right now, particularly working on the last sentence becoming more real for me:
"Sometimes I get so excited realizing that I've been given another chance to go through the awesome experience of having another baby. It gives me chills to think of the monumental way each child has formed me into the person I am. And I'm so thankful for these things!
Other times I look down at my growing tummy and I quite honestly can't believe that I'm pregnant again. Again! Seems like I was just pregnant, like JUST last month. Not very many people get to have 7 babies in 10 years - to me, it's normal, but I have to admit it is alot to swallow sometimes. I'm humble though, to think of the faith in God I've been given and I'm so grateful for that gift."
I can relate to what you wrote Jen, about being all ready to go to the gym and then Macy just would not let you. It's frustrating because it's like my gosh, I have to work up the DESIRE to go work out, I mean I would much rather watch a movie, lol - and when I finally do and am ready - sometimes it is not restful with one or more of the children. That doesn't happen all the time by any means, but when it does happen it is really deflating and YES those thoughts of annoyance are there!
The other day (Rachel is newly old enough to babysit now) I was having a really rough day - DH was gone fundraising - and I had just eaten a ton of junk food (um...didn't really help...) and had such a short temper with the kids. Oh my goodness, I am in so much need over my LACK in that area!!! Is it hormones? Have I always been like this and am just now seeing it? I hate it that I blow up at the smallest thing - it brings me to tears when I think of what my children have to see in me! I am so thankful for His grace and mercy over my life, and I need to be in prayer over this so much more.
But anyway, I was like - okay, I NEED to go running. I need to pray, to collect my thoughts, and yes like you said, Jen, to work out my feelings. I NEEDED this, right?
The kids had been TEARING out each other's hair, teasing, just oh my word! Awful. (Part of the reason why you saw me at Michelle's on Memorial Day, RA & Liz, it was like my last ditch effort to return them to normalcy by pulling them out of their normal environment lol!)
I also spent a really frustrating HOUR trying to figure out how to get the Spring Conference CD's with Harold Kronstad on my Ipod, looking forward soooo much to a soothing hour long run listening BY MYSELF to a meeting! How encouraging, how much I needed that....and then, it wouldn't WORK. Aaaagh! I could NOT get it to work. Couldn't figure out how to upload the meeting on to my Ipod.
Finally I stood up from the computer, got my things ready, and just as I was about to tell Rachel I was going to go running, she told me she was going down the road to play with her friends. I was immediately demanding and said Um, no you're not, I'm going to go running and I need you to babysit! It turned out to be kind of a standoff, she did NOT want to babysit, I could tell - and it was one of those moments where you realize that if you forced her to, then what would the outcome be anyway? A disgruntled teenager taking care of the little ones?
Hardly the perfect scenario.
Oooooh that was such a test for me! I WANTED TO GO RUNNING! (insert stomp foot here) Instead I took a deep breath and said okay, that's fine, I'll just skip it today - go play.
Took me a while to work out the demands inside though. And by the way, what is most important? NOT that I go running, there will always be another day, another time for that. But now is the opportunity for me to get OIL in my vessel for all eternity - and also, to be an example for my children of what happens when something you really want to do, doesn't work out.
So what then? Do I throw a tantrum? Get tikked off at everyone around me and basically act like a 2 year old? That is most definitely not the example I want to be to them, and even more importantly, not what a disciple and someone who LONGS to please their Master, does.
Well, enough chatting - it's been nice! =) I am having a family birthday part tonight for Grace who turns 7 today, just my MIL and the neighbor girl & her mom/baby sister are coming over. Still, the house is turned upside down due to my little shopping trip this morning and being on HERE so long.
However, all is NOT lost - I have been sitting here quite productively having a Mommy & Marie time. =) See? (notice the laundry pile waiting for me in the background....)
Looks like I'll be skipping my beloved naptime and cleaning up..hmmm...maybe now is a good time to listen to that meeting??? =)
Sherah you are so not alone!!!! I can relate to EVERYTHING you said!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I know how you feel. That feeling of absolute FURY, of having no fuse, of just exploding... THAT is what I lived with for so many months. And yes, I do think it is hormones. And it takes a huge, ginormous, monumental amount of self-control to stop it before it comes out.
ReplyDeleteLately I've started doing something. It sounds weird or maybe "super spiritual" but it actually helps, LOL. When the kids are being just NAUGHTY, plain and simple... I pray out loud. "Dear Jesus, please help Kate to use kind words and not be disrespectful. Help her to be obedient so you can bless her and she can be happy." Or if *I'm* the one having the issue, I pray out loud, "Dear Jesus, help me not to get angry! Help me to be kind and patient and loving and good. Help me not to seek my own but to give my life as a sacrifice." Etc...
It works because A) the kids are sort of shocked and like, "Uh, mom? What are you doing??" LOL :-D AND it helps them "learn" how to put sin to death without even realizing they are learning it! I need to do it so much more, because it takes a lot of time and energy and mental clarity to remember to do it. But it is something I'm working on.
Also, I think you have to give yourself time to wrap your head around the pregnancy. Because fitness has been such a huge, all consuming part of your life, and you were finally, FINALLY finding what worked for you and getting the results you dreamed of. And now it's all changing.
But God knows what you need, and he entrusted this little soul to you, knowing you would provide a safe, warm, healthy loving environment for the 9 months that it's growing and developing.
I had a really, really, really hard pregnancy with Owen. I was in physical pain, I was in emotional distress, I felt like my life was totally out of control. But once he was born, goodness. It was SO CLEAR that he was a gift of God for me. He was SUCH a happy, cheerful baby. He was the tiny spot of sunshine in my world filled with the darkness that PPD brought.
I'm praying for you, and I know you will come to peace, and then even exceed that and come to joy and cherish this new life. =)
Sorry for the novel!! Ha ha, I got a little carried away. ;-) Maybe next time I'll email you. :-D
Shera I jsut saw the pics you added in at the bottom. made me laugh:) That's something Ayla would love to do!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your emails:)