Thursday, March 31, 2011

Week 5, Day 7 - I screamed today =(

Yeah, it's true. I screamed. I'm not altogether proud of it but I suppose it was a long time in coming. I feel like everything had been building up and then it kind of just exploded.

Today I once again had such good intentions! I was going to eat ALL raw. I took the littles to Walmart and stocked up on some things we needed - I did feel nauseous but not so terribly bad. Everything was so tempting though!! Good Lord, it's like now when I get hungry I am HUNGRY and even though I feel kind of crappy, I can seriously EAT these days!

I said NO to everything I wanted to buy to scarf down when I got home. Then, I got home and ate about 3 cups of watermelon. Yum! It was delicious.

Then....I got a "who cares" moment and proceeded to eat a bologna sandwich (SO not raw or even vegan, ugh!), several bowls of oatmeal with marshmallow cereal, a bunch of Cheeto's! I feel AMAZINGLY crappy after eating bowls of cereal, so then proceeded to feel crappy most of the day.

After school it was the most beautiful day so I took the kids to a nearby school playground and we stayed there for an hour. I was getting more & more hungry, yet still nauseous...I remember this feeling so well, where you feel sick if you don't eat, but if you DO eat then at least you feel OK "while" you're eating and maybe even 10 minutes afterwards.

Pizza started sounding so yummy. And it WAS getting kind of close to dinner time (5pm). DH was gone overnight on a business trip. I was getting hungrier.

So finally we arrived home with our pizza, and for some reason everyone was clamoring for this or that at the same time - Isaac (8) was holding up the bbq sauce in my face demanding that I open it NOW (he was in a bad mood), Rachel (11) was sitting on the couch with her new combination lock, calling me to come help her set the combination.

Then, at the same time, Jack (3) was standing at my feet holding up my empty water bottle saying that he wanted a DRINK OF WATER NOW! And Grace (6) was asking me if she could get her pizza now? And when I didn't answer her right away, trying to deal with the others, she started yelling it. All of them in my face.

I was kind of not ready for that one, and didn't realize how hungry I'd gotten and also even more nauseous as a result, and the pressure from all the emotions of the pregnancy, disappointed about our trip, the fact that I was not able to eat raw when I wanted to so badly.....I was like --- guys!!!! Don't do that! Don't ALL TALK TO ME AT ONCE like that or else I'm going to.......

.....SCREAM!!!!!! I didn't mean to actually scream, I really didn't. But it just kind of came out in a rush of emotion and to be honest, it did feel good to get it out. I felt like I needed to either scream, or have a good cry.

Of course then I immediately felt super bad because of their shocked faces and the little ones started crying and .... yeah. It was scary for them, Mommy yelling like that. I was kind of shocked myself.

Sigh.

James (9) prayed tonight that Jesus would help Mommy not to get mad like she did today. That is my prayer too.

I called DH and told him about my day (there were some other issues with the older ones I wanted to talk to him about) and told him that I screamed in frustration at the kids. He said he hoped the rest of my day was better, and it came to me in that moment that God knows exactly what I can handle right now.

He knows that point where I will break, and He will never let me reach that point. He only allows me to be hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. Not ever, ever, crushed. So I am being pressed right now in the winepress and it is a good place to be, it's the only place I ever want to be! In need, where I am at the throne of Grace asking God to take over for me.

The scale showed 129 pounds this morning. Bleh. I was just 126 on Monday morning, only 3 days ago. I am also wearing size 5 pants these days and my size Small shirts are too tight. I am just amazed and completely aghast at how quickly I am gaining weight!

So - tomorrow my friend Jen & I are going to go raw and do this together. I am doing it so that I won't be sick this pregnancy at least as much, and so that I will feel better and in return, be a better Mommy. And also that I will not gain a billion pounds and feel good about myself, which in turn, makes me a MUCH better wife & Mommy. She is doing it for the same reasons, minus the pregnancy part (and weight part, although that I'm sure will/would be a nice bonus).

No rules except that I am planning to aim for 85% raw, allowing for cooked veggies, beans, and lentils. All vegan so no chicken broth, butter, etc. And there is no time limit for me, such as 10 days or anything like that. I'm in this for the long haul....for the next entire year probably.

I'm still struggling quite a bit with the fact that I am pregnant, something inside me wants to kick and scream against all the changes that come inside & out with a pregnancy in my body. I feel like it's not fair, I didn't want this right now.....and then I'm like, what???

I am such an IDIOT!!! Seriously. Just 2 weeks ago I was seriously praying that God would put it on me & my husband's heart to have another baby. Duh. Did I think that God wouldn't answer that prayer? ha ha!

He really does have the perfect way of doing things, which was not what I thought, that we'd both come to the decision that we'd have more children and then wait for it to happen. LOL. Guess it was best to have it happen the other way around, lol!

I remember this happening when I got pregnant 3 months postpartum with baby #6. I was so just not prepared for that to happen so soon after having a baby! Just NOT prepared. I fought it, and denied it, and finally accepted and WELCOMED it and then, I was so excited!!! I was so thrilled to be almost having "Irish Twins" as they call it when 2 children are almost exactly 1 year apart. It was going to be the best gift.........

.......and then I miscarried at 11 weeks. Talk about devastating. And also, I felt like it was such a test from God! I was so thankful that I had come to victory and was genuinely happy and so excited for the new little one - I felt like I had wrestled the angel like Jacob did, and did not let go until I received faith for my life.

Now it's time to do the same, and I am thankful even as I write this, for the reminder of God's grace and mercy in His perfect timing. His only desire is to make things easier for us but He can't do that until we are changed which means --- to suffer and go through the situations as quickly as possible.

So - tomorrow is a new day, new challenges, and it will be a 100% on target day with my eating. You'll see!!

PS Tereza, I thought of you today as I leaned over all around Harmony's chair to pick up the pieces of peanut butter sandwich that she routinely drops there after lunch, every. single. day. And as I picked up the littles' plates with the remains of their lunch, and their cups. Just that you've written many times about doing the same thing day in & day out, over & over.....it's like deja vu. Didn't I do this yesterday? And the day before? I think of you when I am tempted to get discouraged because I know you are in the same battle and doing the same mundane thing over & over & over. And fighting the good fight against those whispers of the enemy that only come to divide and create strife.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Encouraging Myself

This is an email I wrote to a friend who is pregnant with her 10th child and due just 2 weeks before me. This is the spirit that I want to have! Not the spirit of the last blog post I wrote - that is how I am FEELING today, but this, THIS is where my heart is. Full of faith for the work God is doing in my life!

Hi again! How are you doing this week? I've been thinking of you often!

I'm curious if that lady who had 11 kids and no morning sickness from doing the juice fast & raw for a period of time, ever HAD morning sickness to begin with? Like I had 5 pregnancies where I ate normal food and felt awful, gained 50 pounds, etc. Then the last 2 pregnancies where I hate 85% raw food and felt AMAZING and gained 20-25 lbs. I did have morning sickness still but it was probably about 1/3 as bad. So I can see the two differences very well.

I just had to share that I am so thankful for you. In particular, I am so thankful for sisters who are like minded and are in the same battle!! Last night at the youth meeting, they talked about how "we are all going through the same things, you are not alone!".

I have to admit that I sat there looking around the room at all these young people - one of which just had a baby, her first one, and was there with her little one. They're almost all younger than me, and of course don't have as many kids as me, if at all. I started feeling kind of alone. Kind of like not belonging, like everyone else there is in college and living the single life - although there are some married people that go, just a handful though. That no-one really knows how this trial is...blah blah blah.

But then I thought of you! And I was SO thankful for what you shared with me at the sister's conference, that you were struggling with not wanting to be sick, and while the baby IS a joy, of course!! You were still struggling.

That meant so much to me. I think if I hadn't heard that from you I would now be feeling really alone and almost condemned?? for how I am feeling. It's that impending doom sort of that wants to come over you, knowing that the morning sickness is out there....looming....and I am feeling probably right now, how you were feeling at sister's conference. Kind of nauseous but just the outskirts of it.

Bret & I have a trip planned to Arizona in 2 weeks. We've been planning for it for months, and it was going to be perfect, so so perfect. Now....I have a feeling that I'm going to be pretty sick by then. At least, if the track record of every other pregnancy I've had, holds true. I'm so thankful for this baby, I really and truly am! When I step back and look at the bigger picture, I know I will never EVER regret accepting this little one with open arms.

Yet the enemy comes...and whispers...why this month? Why why why........

Last night though, I wanted to share this with you - I was thinking of you while I listened to the brothers share this verse from a song. Read the WHOLE thing - #278, it is so uplifting! But this part:

"You who have faith in your heart received,
Lift them (your hands) t'ward heaven today,
Glorious promise in darkest night --
You'll be triumphant by faith!
Lift them to God; He will surely save.
Don't let them fall; persevere, be brave!
Lift up your hands, and the way you'll pave;
Heaven will answer with fire!"

I just got this vision of God answering me, in my need, with my hands lifted up in the air. I picture Him answering with FIRE when I pray for help in my time of need. Fire is like, intense. It's extreme! It's not mild, it's not like oh...yeah, okay, sure, I'll help you.

No, it is an answer that comes from heaven, full of POWER and not of fear. It is a surety, that my God shall supply ALL my need according to His riches and glory.

I also read the best article last night on Brunstad.org.

http://www.brunstad.org/en/Close-up-life/Portrait/The-word-no-one-wants-to-hear/

A sister who has cancer - she wrote this:

"“One night at the hospital, the fear of death started to overwhelm me. I became afraid. I prayed, ‘Dear God, now You need to take over – my body, my family – everything. I commit myself to you completely so you can guide my life exactly as you please.’ Then I went to sleep, and I slept very well.

Since then, that has been my attitude, even though I have been tested in my declaration: ‘Dear God, now you need to take over.’ I have needed to fight for it, and it has been something I have needed to continually lay hold of by faith. Even though I did not always feel reassured right away, I was constantly reminded of what I had said to God."

That spoke to me so powerfully. Why do I always try to do everything in my own reasoning (asking God WHY He sent this child now, as opposed to later so we could go on our trip), and in my own strength (forgetting to call on Him when I'm worried about being sick or stretched to my limits with the children when I feel awful)? That is so simple. "Dear God, now you need to take over."

Another thing that was said last night - when we blur the lines between the past and the future, then things become complex. When we focus on today, then things are simple.

Thanks for listening. =) I'm encouraged now from "talking" to you, my dear sister. God bless both of us in the days ahead to come!

Love & prayers, Sherah

PS

PS I forgot to tell you, what was shared about that song - that when we lift up our hands to heaven (even theoretically, in our head =) then our vision is also lifted - that is what the song is talking about.

That in the midst of our situations where we are surrounded by little ones and more complex situations with our older ones, when all seems to be in chaos (last night Bret babysat while I went to the youth meeting and the house is/was in disarry; I feel so overwhelmed with all that needs to be cleaned today on top of my normal amount!!) that we can lift our hands up to heaven.

When we start to see only what is in front of us, the earthly situations and what we must go through, our hands start to droop back down to the earth and things that weigh us down there.

It was a good picture for me to lay hold of! =)

Week 5, Day 6 - Depressing day, sorry =(

Today isn't going so great. Actually, yesterday didn't go so well either. I ended up in tears several times. I was getting dressed to go to the youth meeting and NOTHING fit! I found one sweater that looked okay, but it still looked pretty tight.

I just looked in the mirror and fought back the tears - I HATE looking like this! Lumpy and bloated - it's so depressing to me, and I am so so so bummed about our Arizona trip. We've been looking forward to it for so long, and have the $450 hotel booked already. (Granted, it WAS a crappy hotel we booked at thanks to Priceline, so if it does get cancelled I'll be glad about that part, at least!)
It was going to be such a fun time, so perfect - I was going to be in the best shape ever and feel great in a bikini, all tan, and we were going to go on hikes and go restaurant hopping, buying our favorite drinks here & there. Like one big long never ending date night with my best friend!

Now....I am no longer able to tan. I feel like someone blew me up like a balloon - everything is tight on me, like, overnight! I don't even like how I look in clothes, let alone in a bikini??? Plus being so pale, the thought of being at the pool like that makes me wince. It honestly does!

I can't drink any alcohol which, is OK - but just another thing, you know? But the biggest thing, is that I am so afraid I'm going to be really sick when we go.

If I am, then what's the point? We have to get on a plane at 6:50am...there is no way I'm going to feel like getting out of bed that early. I'm going to be fighting back the nausea, knowing I need to eat, yet nothing will sound good except a bacon/egg/cheese croissant from Jack in the Box or something lame like that. Then I'll eat it, and feel more gross...and the trip will have not even started yet!

I'm thinking of cancelling it. Postponing it until like the end of May, when I should be feeling better. It's going to be SO hot in Arizona at that time of year, though! The very thought of doing that is so disappointing!!! I'm just so so so bummed that this pregnancy happened now. Why not a month later? Just one month??

Sigh. But I know, I DO know, that everything God sends my way is for my absolute best. I can't do anything about the pregnancy, and I wouldn't want to, no! Of course not.

So I am going to wait another 2 weeks and see how I am doing. If I'm feeling really sick, way too sick, then we'll cancel and hope that Priceline will give us a refund for medical reasons.

This morning I was planning to come home from bringing the kids to school and do my workout, then eat raw all day long.

Instead, I came home and skipped my workout and ate 3 bowls of oatmeal with captain crunch in milk. I feel exactly the same. Still slightly nauseous - it didn't help at all. =(

I think I'm going to do a fast today, or at least, maybe just have a few master cleanse drinks for the rest of the day, as long as I don't get too sick. That will even out the whole cereal thing, although it won't take away the fact that I ate sugar, processed crap, and dairy.

I know the only way to have a fit, lean pregnancy is to EAT RAW. It's just hard to get my head out of the calorie game and into the raw game again.

Last night I put raw cocoa powder in my basket on Amazon, but I just can't bring myself to buy it for $25. I think I'm still in denial that I am pregnant, I still can't believe it. I didn't realize how deeply rooted in my ways I had become! So used to no tiny ones around, used to the fact that another summer was coming but I still had plenty of time to get myself into pool shape. Now I wish I had been working hard on getting down to my VI shape so I could start this pregnancy out on the low side instead of the high side.

I'm so tired this morning......

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Week 5, Day 5 - Stocked up on Food!

I am so happy to be starting this new blog! It hopefully will hold me accountable and keep me going when I feel like giving up. I know that the minute I start eating processed crap that includes dairy, sugar, meat, and flour....I will start gaining weight. So hopefully that will help me not to give in!

Last night I tossed & turned the whole night. I am still struggling with the fact that I AM pregnant. It's so funny how we never really know what we want. DH & I were pretty sure that Harmony, #7, would be our last one, and I have been so enjoying my time with her! She is 22 months old now, and older than any of my other children have been when I got pregnant. They were at most, 13 months old when I got pregnant again.

Anyway, mostly, I'm dealing with the fact that my body is not going to lose anymore, that my goal/dream of getting to my ideal weight & size will not be realized now for another year. I am thankful that I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds, though - that is such a blessing! My hope is that I will only gain 25 pounds at the most, then be able to hit it hard to lose it after the New Year.

I don't feel sick yet, really. I've had twinges of nausea but nothing bad AT. ALL. But things are starting to taste like chalk in my mouth, and my abdomen is burning alot. I even had some sharper pains in my abdomen yesterday that were weird, but I remember them from previous pregnancies too.

I know from my last two pregnancies that if I stick to 85% raw for the entire pregnancy, I will feel FANTASTIC and look great too. That is what I want this time, too, so this morning I went to two grocery stores to stock up on raw veggies & fruit.

I plan to eat mostly raw, but any cooked that I eat will be plant based. No processed OR sugar OR meat OR dairy if I can at all help it!

Yesterday didn't go as great as I'd like, but it was a wakeup call for me. I did the Master Cleanse on Sunday, all day, successfully! Then yesterday I just drank the juice again until about 4pm when I caved and ate 3 bowls of oatmeal cereal with milk and captain crunch, some veggie chips, and something else that escapes my memory. I didn't really feel that great to begin with so after filling my tummy I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day.

I'm excited to be able to eat anything I want without counting calories - and enjoying all my favorite recipes again. I do plan to take it easy on avocadoes and olive oil AND nuts - the overt fats. I truly believe that low fat vegan is the way to go, especially because of how I FELT before when I ate that way. I hope to eat alot of mono fruit meals such as all OJ for the day, or all watermelon. I just love fruit, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Today I bought:

pineapple
grapes
onions
apples
oranges
bananas
baby carrots
avocados
green leaf lettuce
6 heads of cauliflower
radishes
celery
cilantro
lemons
asparagus
cabbage

I think I'm set for a while! I'm going to see if DH will pick up some watermelon and bagged spinach at Costco on his way home. I am hoping against hope, that I can handle my food cravings by having so many raw and plant based cooked options around.