Week 17, Day 6 - Hitting the "reset" button & weigh-in

First of all, I think that things in my head are not necessarily what they are in reality. Anyone else have this experience? LOL I'll bet it's more common than I think.

Yesterday I went to pick up Rachel's friend whom I've never met, for her birthday party. Her Mom helped her get her stuff in the car and she was really nice...she said, "Are you the one that is pregnant?" and I laughed and said yeah, that's me!

At the time I was like yep...but then I realized later that while I took it like yeah, here I am, pregnant again...lol...SHE actually meant it like I don't look pregnant yet. When her daughter got in the car, she said that her Mom said I look too skinny to be pregnant. LOL!

So that was actually kind of cool to hear - when I look in the mirror all I can see is that I have GAINED from where I was, especially at Christmas time, just 6 months ago. I see rolls trying to form where before there were none before - and lots more cellulite than there was before, it's so ugly! I focus on the negative, when in reality, if I were to compare myself to where I was in previous pregnancies where I gained 50 pounds and actually STARTED at 145 - I look perfectly fine! Great, in fact. No, not perfect like I seem to want to lean towards, but great.

Interesting thoughts for me to explore; I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I even AM pregnant, and often still can't believe I am here. Today I was driving and felt a pretty strong braxton hicks contraction come on...it brought me back IMMEDIATELY to labor with Harmony, which I delivered while in the car. There's this resistance that wants to come, a denial, a NOooooooooo I don't WANT this! I don't want to be here right now, I don't want to give birth again! And then, I realize that is so much my own thinking, my own reasoning and I am thankful yet again, for another life inside me. But it is a work.

I've had a rough week as far as eating goes...it's like as soon as I decided to drink green smoothies only, with high hopes mind you, my whole entire being decided AGAINST it. It did not sound appealing in the slightest. Like, at ALL. Half a day was hard enough, let alone a whole week...aagh! So then I beat myself up, because I HAVE done it before, so why not now?? What the heck is WRONG with me? It's not like I don't have different goals, it's always the SAME goal...to be fit, healthy, and happy where I am or at least strongly working towards that.

So I am starting over tomorrow with a clean slate - no expectations not realized, no letdowns that I put on myself...I am not going to look at yesterday and wish for other things.

I'm not going to have any lofty goals - my goal is to just simply eat raw, every day, as much as I possibly can. I am hoping that by not constricting myself to low fat raw, or green smoothies only, or xx calories, etc...maybe I won't spaz and flip out and eat everything in sight.

Today I kept thinking that DIET is the most important thing. Yes, I am running alot and doing exercise - I have been consistent with that for 4 weeks and yet, not much is changing. So it's mainly eating raw that is going to change things and I am determined to get that mindset back that tells me simply, that raw IS the only option.

Last time I weighed the scale said 146. That is CRAZY, 5 pound gain in one week. Scary, actually, considering that my goal of 25 pounds of weight gain total hits me at 153 at WEEK 40 and here I am only at week 17. So - my goal this next week is to calm down about the whole eating frenzy thing, and just forget about the pool, or what people think, and work on being happy in my own skin for the simple reason that I want to be happy. Nothing else.

Tomorrow I am scheduled to go running again but we'll see what it feels like tomorrow. I am slowly slipping out of my routine of going to sleep at 8-9:00...which means it's much harder to go running so early in the morning. We'll see....I haven't been able to life weights this week due to my shoulder, but I have been able to run...I ran the 10k yesterday with my shoulder just fine, thankfully...no sling needed. =) But I feel like I'm slipping out of my groove, so I just gotta' find it again.

Weekly Weigh-in:

Weigh in for this week:

Week 5: 127
Week 8: 133
Week 9: 130
Week 10: 133
Week 11: 133
Week 12: 136
Week 13: 138
Week 14: 138
Week 15: 139
Week 16: 140
Week 17: 141