Week 23, Day 1 - 11th day Raw...and struggling with being pregnant

Good morning, everyone! I am happy that I have reached week 23...sometimes the weeks just crawwwwwwls by. But then I read back in my blog when I was on week 17, and 14, and here I am - already creeping up towards the halfway through the 20's mark!

Yesterday's trying on clothes really derailed me. I was really frustrated after that - it's like *I* myself am someone totally detached from my actual body. I look in the mirror and I swear to you, that.is.not.me. It's a foreign body. I know I'm pregnant, blah blah blah, and shouldn't be concerned or as worried about it - it's just that when I tried on clothes that fit me at 32 WEEKS with baby #6 - and here I am at 23 WEEKS and they are too tight?

That has me so worried! I know that everything I'm doing right now to keep the weight down is right, yet it seems like my body is totally working against me and no matter what I do I'm going to blow up like a balloon even more. 17 weeks to go, do you know how much could happen in those 17 weeks? That is a really, really long time when it comes to gaining or losing or maintaining weight.

Last night I was so mad, I don't have any other word for it. Just mad that I'm pregnant, I don't want to be here at. all. I sometimes wonder if I'm going to have love for this baby, it is the weirdest feeling I have EVER had happen to me. I never expected it to be this hard - it is actually crazy how much I am wrestling with this! I've had babies all my married life, it is ALL I know - and all I have known since I got pregnant at age 21. Even baby #7, not a big deal - I was happy once I got used to it. I don't remember my weight being THIS big of a deal to me, but I honestly think that the DIFFERENCE this time is that I actually almost reached a certain point in my fitness journey to where I was almost there. Just within weeks of looking how I always wanted to. Then, got pregnant.

That sounds SO shallow, but to me it is something that has been so important to me ever since I started way back in 2001 after I had baby #2. Through the years I have learned more and more, tried so many different things, had many more babies and gained/lost weight many times because of that. Finally I was able to come to a place last year, where I fine tuned so perfectly what I had to do in order to become as fit as I wanted, I was *almost* almost there!

Then, the 2 red lines on a pregnancy stick - SO out of the blue. Not expected, or planned - I wonder if I'll ever get used to it?

I don't really know how to type out my frustration or how I am feeling, but one thing I do know is this: I am a fighter. I am stubborn - I turned over in my little bed in the hospital at THREE DAYS OLD! I was so mad and crying, I wanted my Mama, dagnabit! LOL so....my wheels have been turning this morning as I have been going about my Mommy duties changing diapers, getting cereal for various kids, helping to find clothes for the day to those that need it, supervising cleanup from sleepover blankets everywhere in the living room.

WHAT CAN I DO TO FIGHT THIS? I've been mulling it over. No, the answer is NOT to finish the rest of the box of Honey Bunches of Oats. With milk. I know that will taste YUMMO for like 5 minutes, then make me a witch of a Mommy for the next 3 hours.

WHAT CAN I DO TO FIGHT THIS? Certainly not skipping my workout, as I had previously decided to do this morning. Quitting is not the answer, even though it seems like the best "poor me" solution - just give up, it's not working anyway....?

Nope.

So this morning instead of eating that cereal, I juiced some OJ! Instead of my normal vegetable juice. What I would love to do, is focus on juicing and green smoothies as much as possible today. AND get my workout in, then just concentrate on the fact that God is teaching me something here. I need to focus on the family that I do have and love them, enjoy them, instead of wondering if I'll be able to love this baby - this...this INTERRUPTION in my perfect fitness plans.

I was also thinking last night, that if ever God were to bring along a situation where I was not able to reach my fitness goals and this was a test to see just how important it was for me (and if I would be able to let it go, kind of like Job - as a test of my faith in God) then He really could have done it so many different ways.

A car accident, where I have a maimed body and have to go to physical therapy for years. Or a sickness, where I am not able to workout at all, and have to take medicine that makes me gain 50 pounds.

No, instead He gave me the kindest, most generous thing *I* can think of - a baby! And with it, a baby body...I could of course, choose to just say who cares and eat Taco Bell and Burger King and ice cream every day. (yes, saying this from experience!!) OR I could continue on with my best efforts to be healthy, and be so very thankful for this new little blessing He is pouring out over our home during this time.

So -- lots of thoughts today, lots of trying to rest in God and believing His word, that He only sends the MOST PERFECT for us. And also rising up to FIGHT this attitude of "poor me" and do what *I* know is best for me, and letting the cards fall where they may. There really is nothing more I can do, other than what I'm doing. I can't eat any cleaner than I am (NOT counting the occasional junk, gotta work on that!) and I am working out quite a bit - 5-6x per week, HARD. Actually 100% more than I have in any other pregnancy, EVER.

So it's all good, really and truly - it was nice to write it out on here. I don't know if I'm the only one who struggles with these things when they're pregnant - it doesn't SEEM like it, not very many Moms talk about this sort of thing. It seems like Moms are more like soooo happy to have a baby in their tummy and feeling it move, wishfully thinking of the day when their little babe will appear. That WAS me in all my past babies, but not this time. This time I dread the baby coming, all the sleepless nights, trying to nurse (I always have a hard time - always!), the lumpy doesn't-fit-into-anything postpartum body that awaits me. The first 2 months that are always a blur and end up with many tears before it's over.

But I'll work hard afterwards too, and like I said, do what I can! That's all I can do - as long as I KNOW I am doing everything I can, and not in a slump eating raspberry filled donuts off in a corner all day or something, then I can, I can do this!

You know, and I know, that someday I will read this blog and remember the anguish and tears I went through during this pregnancy, the struggle to come to terms with it, how LONG it seemed, how hard on myself and the way that I look, that I was. I'll shake my head and think of the newest addition to our family and how absolutely PRECIOUS he is and how awesome and God is to give this little boy to us in SPITE of my wishes for it not to be so.

I'll think all these things, I know I will. I'll be so happy and grateful to Him for choosing me for this small sacrifice for such a little sweetie. I hang on to the fact that David in the Bible was the 8th child, and I know his Mom must have gone through some of what I am, to a degree. 8 children is no small feat - it requires huge self sacrifice - I know she must have felt it too. She had ALOT of sons, alot of mouths to feed, and many demands on her.

Yet God for some reason, chose this little boy, this 8th child, to be the one through whose lineage He brought forth Jesus. You can't really get much more powerful, and life changing for billions, than that! Just from one small boy whose Mother was faithful, who cried out to God in her need and trusted in Him.

This brings tears to my eyes as I know, this is the heart that I want to have. I don't want my physical self to be of so much importance that I forget the whole reason why I'm here in the first place - to become His bride and to bring glory to Him through my body. As in, through my spirit and how I USE my body - not through how physically fit I am.

DH says David is not an option as a name for this baby, but he's open to the middle name - I don't necessarily LIKE the name, as in it's my favorite or anything, but it really has a tremendous amount of faith attached to it, for me. We're thinking of Samuel David or Charles David (we'd call him Charlie). Sounding biblical means nothing to me, so even though Charles David sounds kind of funny, who cares. But Samuel David sounds more strengthening to me in the spirit - like we would be bringing forth a warrior for God.

And actually, in all truth, having baby #8 is really is bringing forth something of a blow AGAINST the spirit of the times, you know? Against the wisdom of the world that says 3-4 kids should be the max. I almost feel like naming him Samuel David would also, in a way be like me telling that spirit of "poor me" and "I didn't waaaaaant this!!" to GET BEHIND ME, SATAN! You know? I am, despite all of your temptations and feelings, going to triumph in the end here!

Well, I've wittled away enough of our time for today. =) Thanks for reading - sometimes it just helps to type away and figure things out as I am typing. Have a wonderful day, all!