Week 11, Day 6 - aaaaah, will this nausea ever end?????

Today I am despairing that I am ever going to feel good again. It.has.been.so.so.so.so.long since I've felt normal! It seems like no matter what I eat, I feel ugh, just yuck. It IS better when I eat only raw and HORRIBLE when I eat cooked, but it is NEVER good, great, fantastic.

Maybe I should start going on walks, maybe my body misses those endorphins. I guess for right now, I feel like I barely have enough energy to clean the house (and I mean ONLY tidy) and make the dinner and change diapers and do laundry and make lunches and put the kids to bed and listen to important things in their minds and make sure I have enough food to eat.

I don't feel like I'm in a complaining spirit, I just feel so...weary. So tired of feeling yucky, hoping each day will be different, but it's not, not really. I do have better days, but never awesome days. I took it for granted, I can't believe I felt so fantastic every single day compared to now, before I got pregnant.

Well, I am almost 12 weeks - in the past that HAS been the "magic" week for me, but I have also had pregnancies where I am going on my 14th week before I see any significant difference.

I think in the back of my head I am afraid that this time it's going to be different, just like how my Mom warned me that if I crossed my eyes too long they might get stuck that way! Maybe I've been pregnant too many times so this time the nausea is going to get "stuck" and never go away.

I hope in a couple of days I look back and smile and think ah, if she only knew what was around the corner. +)

AND - I am encouraged to strengthen myself in my faith, to gird up my loins - kind of like picking myself up by the bootstraps and really FACING this trial and going through it as God has intended it - a HELP for me.

And in truth, I am thankful - I am thankful for how many times I am in need over my lack of ability to cope, yet knowing that He has also planned this for me KNOWING that it won't be too much.

Today I am listening to the song #274 on BMM and it is always so strengthening for me! Especially this verse:

"When we face trials, there's joy in us dwelling,
If we with patience and faith will endure.
No "buts" we say then - just "yea" and "Amen."
All things are possible! Faith makes a way."

I thought about all those things that rise up in me, the "but.....I don't WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS!!!!" No no no no, take it awayyyyyy!!" You know, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I've really really had to come to faith this pregnancy, I honestly and truly was not prepared for it or ready to be pregnant again. I didn't want it! NOT that I would say I didn't want a baby, does anyone say that? LOL No, I didn't want the SUFFERING that would come - the changes in my body, the nausea, being tied down again with a little one, having-HOLY COW-eight children.

But what would I be if I was left to my own devices? To my own plans, that most assuredly become more and more self-centered and UNHAPPY as I veer off the path of happiness that comes with sacrifice. And chase after earthly things that appear to bring happiness (less children=a cleaner house, a fit physique, time to travel as they get older, more time to MYSELF really).

I am humbled at God's mercy over my life that He sees what *I* need far sooner than I ever do, and while my flesh sometimes goes into the situations kicking and screaming, in my spirit I am grateful for the winepress and how He leads me into victory slowly but surely! Faith, though, that is such a strong spirit! It can overcome anything, even and ESPECIALLY man's "wisdom" and what would be "much better" for "our situation".

I love blogging about my faith because I always get really strengthened. I hope you do too. =)

Here are my eats for the day (to be updated as I eat them =):

1 cup blended strawberres with agave & vanilla
7oz of sprouted dehydrated sunflower seeds - yum!
32oz Chocolate Maraschino Cherry Shake
2.5 cups pineapple
3 handfuls of tortilla chips

Gotta get more GREENS in!!