Week 30, Day 6 - Still plugging along

Raw is not happening - I am finding more and more with each day, as my entire body feels heavier with each moment, that I am having a harder and harder time even caring about anything. Anything fitness related, that is.

I have about 9 weeks left in this pregnancy, and I find myself thinking if I can just get to the finish line, then this will all be over. Then I can start again brand new with fasting, with working out, with eating low calorie, and get back in shape lickety split.

But then I remember that I will be trying to nurse as long as possible which of course, means no real calorie restriction, aaack! That is my magic key to getting in shape in a flash, fasting and low calorie combined with 5x per week of exercise consistently.

I am often tempted to scream at my life, to pound my head against the wall, to HATE where I am right now. That's just being real, folks. Last night I laid in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks as because I miss the old me, so so much. The non hormonal me, the one that actually WANTS to cuddle with my husband me, the one that has a positive outlook on life, who has the energy to do things. And who has a handle on eating, and on exercise, with those endorphins kicking in gear every time I workout.

We had such a good meeting last night, though, and one thing that was spoken of, was to have such an anger against self pity in my life. I find so much of the opposite of that, anger at God for giving me another pregnancy when I didn't want it, didn't plan for it, *I* had other, "better" plans for my life and for our family. I know part of this is the hormones speaking as I am struggling daily not to let depression rule my day. I am so completely and utterly overwhelmed during the day that I don't even know where to turn - it seems like the kids have launched an attack on Mom to be as difficult as possible, as soon as school started.

But I am also hearing that still, small voice that whispers to me that I am loved by Him, and that every single sigh and prayer sent to Him for desperate help, is HEARD. He hears me, and is only and very tenderly, sending me the least amount of hardship He can in order for me to be transformed into His bride. He is not trying to make my life hard, but is actually answering MY prayers to be changed and turned into someone new and good.

The other thing I heard so clearly was that it is a hard thing, a CONSCIOUS battle, to put my soul on the alter. To not live by what my SOUL is crying out that I FEEL LIKE THIS so I must act, and think, like that. It is such a freeing and liberating thing for me to know that I, as in my HEART, am not that person. I don't want to just give up and run away - that is not me. My heart is to be a good wife and mother to my children, to raise them in a pure home and give them back to God. I want to love them and play with them and laugh at the times yet to come! So I hang on to that during the day, knowing FULL WELL that this is a temporary hardship - at least I don't have cancer or something like blindness, that is always going to be there forever! Or be a widow, or something.

I turn my situation around to look at it through someone else's eyes, and I wonder what on earth I am having a hard time with, anyway. I don't weigh 185 pounds on a 5'2" body like I have in previous pregnancies at this point, I have very healthy and happy children, my husband has a good job and we are able to make ends meet with a little extra left over - something that has not been true for many years previously. I have so many friends, a wonderful family, and MOST OF ALL - I'm getting a sweet little baby out of this whole thing! Good Lord, I am such a wuss!

Tereza, I enjoyed reading your last blog post where you wrote that it was going to be a joyous day because you decided that it was going to be. It is true, there can be so many things churning around in my head, and then when I write it all out and start writing about my hope, about the good things, it really turns things right side up!

I also wanted to say to the moms out there - Tereza, Jen, and RA - all of you guys are really inspiring in how you're where I am not, you're able to work on and stay fit, eating well and exercising - and it is SUCH an inspiration to me. It's like I read your blogs and hang on to that hope that someday I will be there again, and I don't have to be stuck here pregnant and unable to shave my legs or bend down to put my shoes on, forever. LOL - I KNOW you've all been there, so you know what I mean. =)

So have a wonderful day, all of you - I'm going to go enjoy my one hour left of just having 2 at home, then will be heading out to pick up Marie from kindergarten (uh-oh...I can hear the littles getting into the chips, I better go!).