Patience, that is. Not thin clothes. =)
I'm going on my 12th night tonight, of little sleep - usually I get 2 2-hour increments of sleep, sometimes 3 if I'm lucky and it lands in the right place. The past couple of days I've only been able to get 2 more 1 hour increments during the day.
Hmmm. Maybe I should just stop counting it like that, and go with how many hours of sleep I've gotten in the past, well, hour. LOL.
Anyway, it's starting to wear on me. I'm feeling weary, and I feel like my face has this perpectual swollen/just woke up look. Good thing that little Charlie bear is so darn cute. I hear his cry in the night and it jars me out of my sleep immediately, I know God meant for it to be that way so that Mama doesn't accidentally sleep through it because she's so tired!
My brain is all mushy and all I want to do is go to sleep, to ignore the cry...but then he becomes more insistent so I get up and pick him up so he doesn't wake DH up longer than is necessary, and there he is - little red face, fists all flailing and his mouth trying to grab onto whichever part of his fist happens to land close enough. Sooooo cute! So innocent and needing to eat and all he's doing is the best way he knows how to, cry until he gets fed.
It's interesting how life is like this - times where you feel like you're nearing the end of your rope, where you are not just physically tired, but tired OF feeling tired, y'know? And tired of the seemingly endless stream of days and nights that blur into each other -- meanwhile the house is in a constant state of disarray...not that it's trashed or anything, the kids & DH are able to keep it picked up - but it's all the things that I normally would do that aren't getting done. Simply because, well, I'm nursing for like 23 hours a day =) =) and also because I can tell that my energy is not yet up to par - so if I don't conserve it for taking care of the kids then I won't have any left to give.
I remember in pregnancies past that I would reach a point, both in the nausea phase AND in the last few months phase, where I simply have to lift up my hands to God and just give myself to Him. I reach the end of myself and know that I simply can.not.go.on by myself - it has to be He who carries me the rest of the way. And almost always, at least I clearly remember it this way, it happens to be very close to the turning point where things change and get easier.
So! With that history in mind, and thinking about the Israelites and how they always complained and BECAUSE OF THAT God allowed them to wander in the wilderness for 40 years (!!!) --- despite many many miracles --- I am going to be thankful for this time I am in. SO thankful that the birth went well, that my baby is healthy and actually a really good baby that lets me sleep for 2 hours at a time instead of 20 minutes!!!
I think that thankfulness is a powerful tool that the enemy really doesn't know what to do with. It baffles him. So I'm going to use that every time I start feeling weary in my spirit of the situation God has given me.
Soon enough, I'll be able to exercise again and feel strong in my body and capable of doing things quickly and easily. Soon enough, I'll be able to look at my home and think, "Hmmm...I think today I'm going to clean!!" and actually be able to do it and not be so wiped out that I am good for nothing the rest of the day. Soon enough I'll be able to go on dates with DH....will be able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time...will be able to fit into my clothes again...will be able to give my kids the attention and love they need.
Until then...in quietness and confidence shall be my strength. And thankfulness. =)
So this is your 8th baby and have you never been able to sleep while you nurse? Oh my goodness it's a LIFESAVER!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. I feel like I'm there, where I just can't do it anymore by myself. I feel SO DUMB because I can't really do much of anything, otherwise I get super sick, land in the hospital for IV fluids, and just have to lay in my bed.
ReplyDeleteLast week was hectic, with Josh being gone to Seattle, and I just can't seem to recover. I laid in bed all weekend basically, and it makes me feel so stupid. I see how much extra Josh is having to do, and I know how stressful it is.
But this is what God has for us for now, and I just want to be saved in this time. I want it to count.
I'm glad you're doing well, glad Charlie is a sweet boy who sleeps and eats well. :) When you get a chance, no rush obviously, can you email me info about that belly bandit thing? I'm intrigued!