4 Days Postpartum...Dear God, please give me the strength

to endure until the end! And to know that this is only temporary...

...sigh. So here we are. I am in tears just, because. Because I can. Ha ha! Seriously though, I know with my head and my brain that hormones are seriously crashing down, and that I am operating on night #5 of 3 tiny 1-hour increments of sleep per night, with a crying baby that I don't know how to make stop which is SO frustrating when you're just dying to go to sleep. The bleeding has kicked in a bit more which means I'm doing too much, but seriously, ALL I am doing is nursing for like an hour 15 min every 3 hours, trying to sleep, trying to rest...and squeezing in a shower which wastes valuable sleep time.

Then, I just do not have time to eat! It's like should I sleep or eat, which is more important? Then I end up at 6pm having only had one bowl of oatmeal all day and I find myself breaking into a sweat and shaking and of course, feeling like crying.

Then there are the kids. They are all really sensitive and tender, from all the changes - uncertainties like the fact that I am no longer available for anything. Like, at all. DH keeps them strictly away from my bedroom door and they are only allowed to see me if he says so, or if I come out.

I cry because I don't want it to be like that for them, but I am so completely overwhelmed with being WEAK in my body and trying to just take care of Charlie and myself that I have no more room left for anything else. I feel like I am struggling not to drown, my head barely (BARELY!) above water and if I try to take care of any of my other children it will just pull me under.

We need groceries, so DH has to go to the store which leaves me with the kids, and I immediately get overwhelmed with them as they all crowd around me trying to talk at once and tell me everything. Or clamoring to touch Charlie while I'm trying to hold him and he's crying and I'm just like GET AWAY everybody!! And they look at me so sad....aack!

Oh, gosh. This is hard. But I know it's temporary, I know I will get through this and that it is NOT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BEAR. It's just really emotional and half the time I don't even know why I feel so overwhelmed, but I do. I feel bad that DH is having to do like 110% of all the work and then I start thinking about next week when he goes back to work and I practically start to hyperventilate. But then of course, it won't be just 4 days postpartum, it'll be 8. Hopefully it'll be better by then? I'll have more strength by then? I am also SO SO SO super thankful for my wonderful friend Lucy who comes Mondays & Thursdays from 8-3 and cleans my house, watches the children. And that DH/MIL will be bringing the kids to/from school, AND that we will have meals provided for dinner every other night (and in between will have leftovers) until the 10th. So I am taken care of, just still overwhelmed. =)

I crave routine. I love providing that for my family, doing the same things each day so they know what to expect, and it is so hard for me to just let go and let them be taken care of by others. To let their hair look that way, or send them to school with mismatched socks. Grace7 chopped her hair on one side, a big thick bunch of it, because "she was mad" she said.

So now she needs a haircut, it needs 2 inches taken off, and I wish I could just take her down to Great Clips and get it cut. But I can't. Such a weird feeling. So instead I just send her off to school looking like an orphan. I could have DH do it, but then, I have to watch the kids and I am just feeling so little strength to do that.

So. That is how I'm doing, lol! In case you were wondering. My heart goes out to anyone who has a c-section...my belly button hernia has come back now that my tummy is much smaller, and it is painful at times when I try to get up, twist, or roll over in bed. I just can't imagine in my foggiest mind, how a person would be able to go through what I am going through, + have an incision that is healing. But I do believe firmly that God knows what we need and can handle and He is ever so gently holding me now in the palm of His hands. I need to remember that often.

One thing I am thankful for - through all of this emotional turmoil and physical weakness, I have never once entertained the thought of being angry at God for bringing this upon me. Or dealt with bitter thoughts, or even the temptation for them.

Charlie is like the grand prize, the biggest blessing and the sweetest most deliciously scrumptious baby EVER. I think of that verse in James 1, that says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of light, from whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." We have been given a good and perfect gift straight from heaven, and there is no words to describe how thankful I am for him.

No, I know that this is just a time and a season, and that in just 1 week I will be feeling so much better. For now, I am comforted with that fact and that if I just take it one day at a time, it will be easier that way. No need to borrow trouble for the next few days.

And, I am so thankful once again that I don't have a terminal illness, or even an illness for that matter! I have a very good and perfect thing going on for me. =)