Yeah, it's true. I screamed. I'm not altogether proud of it but I suppose it was a long time in coming. I feel like everything had been building up and then it kind of just exploded.
Today I once again had such good intentions! I was going to eat ALL raw. I took the littles to Walmart and stocked up on some things we needed - I did feel nauseous but not so terribly bad. Everything was so tempting though!! Good Lord, it's like now when I get hungry I am HUNGRY and even though I feel kind of crappy, I can seriously EAT these days!
I said NO to everything I wanted to buy to scarf down when I got home. Then, I got home and ate about 3 cups of watermelon. Yum! It was delicious.
Then....I got a "who cares" moment and proceeded to eat a bologna sandwich (SO not raw or even vegan, ugh!), several bowls of oatmeal with marshmallow cereal, a bunch of Cheeto's! I feel AMAZINGLY crappy after eating bowls of cereal, so then proceeded to feel crappy most of the day.
After school it was the most beautiful day so I took the kids to a nearby school playground and we stayed there for an hour. I was getting more & more hungry, yet still nauseous...I remember this feeling so well, where you feel sick if you don't eat, but if you DO eat then at least you feel OK "while" you're eating and maybe even 10 minutes afterwards.
Pizza started sounding so yummy. And it WAS getting kind of close to dinner time (5pm). DH was gone overnight on a business trip. I was getting hungrier.
So finally we arrived home with our pizza, and for some reason everyone was clamoring for this or that at the same time - Isaac (8) was holding up the bbq sauce in my face demanding that I open it NOW (he was in a bad mood), Rachel (11) was sitting on the couch with her new combination lock, calling me to come help her set the combination.
Then, at the same time, Jack (3) was standing at my feet holding up my empty water bottle saying that he wanted a DRINK OF WATER NOW! And Grace (6) was asking me if she could get her pizza now? And when I didn't answer her right away, trying to deal with the others, she started yelling it. All of them in my face.
I was kind of not ready for that one, and didn't realize how hungry I'd gotten and also even more nauseous as a result, and the pressure from all the emotions of the pregnancy, disappointed about our trip, the fact that I was not able to eat raw when I wanted to so badly.....I was like --- guys!!!! Don't do that! Don't ALL TALK TO ME AT ONCE like that or else I'm going to.......
.....SCREAM!!!!!! I didn't mean to actually scream, I really didn't. But it just kind of came out in a rush of emotion and to be honest, it did feel good to get it out. I felt like I needed to either scream, or have a good cry.
Of course then I immediately felt super bad because of their shocked faces and the little ones started crying and .... yeah. It was scary for them, Mommy yelling like that. I was kind of shocked myself.
Sigh.
James (9) prayed tonight that Jesus would help Mommy not to get mad like she did today. That is my prayer too.
I called DH and told him about my day (there were some other issues with the older ones I wanted to talk to him about) and told him that I screamed in frustration at the kids. He said he hoped the rest of my day was better, and it came to me in that moment that God knows exactly what I can handle right now.
He knows that point where I will break, and He will never let me reach that point. He only allows me to be hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. Not ever, ever, crushed. So I am being pressed right now in the winepress and it is a good place to be, it's the only place I ever want to be! In need, where I am at the throne of Grace asking God to take over for me.
The scale showed 129 pounds this morning. Bleh. I was just 126 on Monday morning, only 3 days ago. I am also wearing size 5 pants these days and my size Small shirts are too tight. I am just amazed and completely aghast at how quickly I am gaining weight!
So - tomorrow my friend Jen & I are going to go raw and do this together. I am doing it so that I won't be sick this pregnancy at least as much, and so that I will feel better and in return, be a better Mommy. And also that I will not gain a billion pounds and feel good about myself, which in turn, makes me a MUCH better wife & Mommy. She is doing it for the same reasons, minus the pregnancy part (and weight part, although that I'm sure will/would be a nice bonus).
No rules except that I am planning to aim for 85% raw, allowing for cooked veggies, beans, and lentils. All vegan so no chicken broth, butter, etc. And there is no time limit for me, such as 10 days or anything like that. I'm in this for the long haul....for the next entire year probably.
I'm still struggling quite a bit with the fact that I am pregnant, something inside me wants to kick and scream against all the changes that come inside & out with a pregnancy in my body. I feel like it's not fair, I didn't want this right now.....and then I'm like, what???
I am such an IDIOT!!! Seriously. Just 2 weeks ago I was seriously praying that God would put it on me & my husband's heart to have another baby. Duh. Did I think that God wouldn't answer that prayer? ha ha!
He really does have the perfect way of doing things, which was not what I thought, that we'd both come to the decision that we'd have more children and then wait for it to happen. LOL. Guess it was best to have it happen the other way around, lol!
I remember this happening when I got pregnant 3 months postpartum with baby #6. I was so just not prepared for that to happen so soon after having a baby! Just NOT prepared. I fought it, and denied it, and finally accepted and WELCOMED it and then, I was so excited!!! I was so thrilled to be almost having "Irish Twins" as they call it when 2 children are almost exactly 1 year apart. It was going to be the best gift.........
.......and then I miscarried at 11 weeks. Talk about devastating. And also, I felt like it was such a test from God! I was so thankful that I had come to victory and was genuinely happy and so excited for the new little one - I felt like I had wrestled the angel like Jacob did, and did not let go until I received faith for my life.
Now it's time to do the same, and I am thankful even as I write this, for the reminder of God's grace and mercy in His perfect timing. His only desire is to make things easier for us but He can't do that until we are changed which means --- to suffer and go through the situations as quickly as possible.
So - tomorrow is a new day, new challenges, and it will be a 100% on target day with my eating. You'll see!!
PS Tereza, I thought of you today as I leaned over all around Harmony's chair to pick up the pieces of peanut butter sandwich that she routinely drops there after lunch, every. single. day. And as I picked up the littles' plates with the remains of their lunch, and their cups. Just that you've written many times about doing the same thing day in & day out, over & over.....it's like deja vu. Didn't I do this yesterday? And the day before? I think of you when I am tempted to get discouraged because I know you are in the same battle and doing the same mundane thing over & over & over. And fighting the good fight against those whispers of the enemy that only come to divide and create strife.
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