Today isn't going so great. Actually, yesterday didn't go so well either. I ended up in tears several times. I was getting dressed to go to the youth meeting and NOTHING fit! I found one sweater that looked okay, but it still looked pretty tight.
I just looked in the mirror and fought back the tears - I HATE looking like this! Lumpy and bloated - it's so depressing to me, and I am so so so bummed about our Arizona trip. We've been looking forward to it for so long, and have the $450 hotel booked already. (Granted, it WAS a crappy hotel we booked at thanks to Priceline, so if it does get cancelled I'll be glad about that part, at least!)
It was going to be such a fun time, so perfect - I was going to be in the best shape ever and feel great in a bikini, all tan, and we were going to go on hikes and go restaurant hopping, buying our favorite drinks here & there. Like one big long never ending date night with my best friend!
Now....I am no longer able to tan. I feel like someone blew me up like a balloon - everything is tight on me, like, overnight! I don't even like how I look in clothes, let alone in a bikini??? Plus being so pale, the thought of being at the pool like that makes me wince. It honestly does!
I can't drink any alcohol which, is OK - but just another thing, you know? But the biggest thing, is that I am so afraid I'm going to be really sick when we go.
If I am, then what's the point? We have to get on a plane at 6:50am...there is no way I'm going to feel like getting out of bed that early. I'm going to be fighting back the nausea, knowing I need to eat, yet nothing will sound good except a bacon/egg/cheese croissant from Jack in the Box or something lame like that. Then I'll eat it, and feel more gross...and the trip will have not even started yet!
I'm thinking of cancelling it. Postponing it until like the end of May, when I should be feeling better. It's going to be SO hot in Arizona at that time of year, though! The very thought of doing that is so disappointing!!! I'm just so so so bummed that this pregnancy happened now. Why not a month later? Just one month??
Sigh. But I know, I DO know, that everything God sends my way is for my absolute best. I can't do anything about the pregnancy, and I wouldn't want to, no! Of course not.
So I am going to wait another 2 weeks and see how I am doing. If I'm feeling really sick, way too sick, then we'll cancel and hope that Priceline will give us a refund for medical reasons.
This morning I was planning to come home from bringing the kids to school and do my workout, then eat raw all day long.
Instead, I came home and skipped my workout and ate 3 bowls of oatmeal with captain crunch in milk. I feel exactly the same. Still slightly nauseous - it didn't help at all. =(
I think I'm going to do a fast today, or at least, maybe just have a few master cleanse drinks for the rest of the day, as long as I don't get too sick. That will even out the whole cereal thing, although it won't take away the fact that I ate sugar, processed crap, and dairy.
I know the only way to have a fit, lean pregnancy is to EAT RAW. It's just hard to get my head out of the calorie game and into the raw game again.
Last night I put raw cocoa powder in my basket on Amazon, but I just can't bring myself to buy it for $25. I think I'm still in denial that I am pregnant, I still can't believe it. I didn't realize how deeply rooted in my ways I had become! So used to no tiny ones around, used to the fact that another summer was coming but I still had plenty of time to get myself into pool shape. Now I wish I had been working hard on getting down to my VI shape so I could start this pregnancy out on the low side instead of the high side.
I'm so tired this morning......
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