Week 35, Day 2 - So overwhelmed...Saturday meltdowns

Saturdays are beginning to be the new meltdown days for me it seems. Last Saturday I spent so much time crying I felt like my whole day was like one emotional basketcase! Fortunately I was away part of the day and was able to cry out to God in my need in the car as I was driving...that was really special. I seem to start the day out with high hopes but by the late afternoon I am so overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of what is required of me that I basically just cannot stop the tears from coming. There seems to be no end in sight, 5 weeks and probably longer, how much more of this can I endure?

It's not that I am in pain or that my days are torturous by any means, I really do have good days! But I think it's when all the kids are home and they simply do not care, or just don't see any need to pick up their toys, to not make a million messes and actually pick them up, to stop all crying at me at the same time...I just feel like I'm one person against the world.

I pick something up from the floor and accidentally drop it again, and it just makes me want to scream - it takes so.much.effort just to bend over and slowly pick it up! Just that one little thing - let alone the socks and the shoes and the candy wrappers and the cars and the discarded clothes and the books and the Toys R Us ad Marie was looking at. All on the floor.

I remember from previous pregnancies feeling this way, just not really sure how to do....this. How to be a Mom to lots of littles when I myself just am not physically able to do it - the sheer amount of TIME it takes to clean a room now is double what it used to be. And then Harmony climbs up on the counter and finds the bag with 1/2 cup of lentils I didn't use in last night's dinner and puts them in a cup, and promptly spills them all over the entry way. Sigh.

Anyway, I remember feeling this way and realizing two things.

One, that if I can just sit on the floor and clean around me, then scoot to another section and clean there, then keep on going - take a small trash can or bag with me and everything that is not trash, just put it on the couch. That way when I *do* stand up, I can more easily clean everything that is now on the couch because it doesn't require bending all the way down.

The other thing, is that I am not able to do marathon clean anymore. I can't just take an hour and get amazing amounts of things done...and then have the rest of my day relatively free. This is SO frustrating for me! But I am forced to take 15 minute stretches of laying on the couch.

While, incidentally, the kids mess up the house again.

I do have them clean, though, I am getting rather adept at having them clean the rooms in the house they're in charge of several times a day. Just last night they were all ready to have movie night with snacks and had their jammies on, and I told the that even though they'd JUST cleaned an hour ago, the house was messy again so - no movie until they all cleaned again. LOL.It worked like a charm.

But right now, the reason I'm feeling overwhelmed is because my 2 older ones who shoulder the burden of the dining and living room cleanup, as well as the dishes at night,are gone for the whole night. It is up to me, and I'm just feeling it. DH also just mowed the backyard which means everything in his way got dumped onto the back patio -- there's ALOT of stuff on there. Crappy stuff. Like old boards, cups, bowls, Little Tikes toys big slide taken apart, numerous bikes and other pieces of trash. It looks awful and normally we'd get the kids to clean it but... since they two older ones are gone, it'd just be *normally* something I just take care of.

But I can't. Every step is heavy. And the frustration is mounting. That's why I feel a meltdown coming on, I HATE this. SO frustrating to be WILLING but my body is lugging around this heavy belly and aching back.

I guess I don't have any majorly hopeful things to say today, but it does help to write it out and know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. My Mom and everyone else assures me that it'll be over soon, that it is just a stage and I KNOW that - in my mind I can tell myself all sorts of things that are good reasons why I should be perfectly happy with my life. But the way I FEEL is that every day is long and it's like I'm just waiting....but waiting for what? For the baby to come out, I suppose, to not feel this way anymore, but even then, I'm just going to be trading a heavy belly for a very very tired, exhausted, and emotional one.

So.

I guess, ask me how I'm doing in maybe 3 months. Until then, just know that I am hanging in there and working on being thankful for the things that ARE good and a blessing in my life. Like the fact that I am not on bedrest??? I can't imagine!!

7 things I am thankful for, inspired by Tereza:

1. My kids are all currently healthy! No midnight barfing to deal with or high fevers and grouchy kids.

2. Even though my dryer takes 4 cycles to dry it WORKS!

3. I have a home, and not an apartment.

4. My new bedroom...my breath of fresh air when I get so overwhelmed.

5. A husband who reminded me that he doesn't know how to read my mind, but who wants to help - so ask! I will. Today. Vacuum, please? =)

6. We have enough money for gas and food until we get paid in 13 days. I think. If I'm frugal. But at least I'm not stressing about it.

7. My friend Lucy from England who is willing to come for 7 hours twice a week and clean for me, whatever I want her to do, for very small pay. She is worth her weight in GOLD!!